I am putting my family up for adoption. I am sure everyone has had moments where they truly wish they didn’t have to claim their family members. Whether you are sick of being embarrassed or you are just tired of the drama or you honestly wonder how in the world you share the same gene pool with these people.
At large family gatherings it is tempting to step away from the chaos and look at my family as a stranger would. It is then I realize that a stranger would be fighting a battle in their mind about whether my family belongs on Jerry Springer or Maury Povich. It is a very delicate decision so the choices need to be carefully weighed. Springer grantees physical harm but Povich comes with shocking realizations.
Even if my family manages to gather without any one getting injured or without losing someone at a rest stop, my family is still a very loud group of people. You can hear us long before you can see us. We all talk at once and it we through in obscure body gestures to emphasize our points. It is not just enough to call someone an idiot. You have to roll your eyes, through up your hands and walk around in a circle while muttering obscenities under your breath to emphasize how stupid that person was being.
If you wanted to survive in my family, you had to become good at two things. Talking and eating. You had to learn how to talk loud and talk fast if you wanted to be heard, and you had to learn to eat quickly and stash any extra food, or you would go hungry. I learned real quick that setting a tub of ice cream in really cold water in the bathtub was not enough to keep the ice cream from melting.
I know at the end of the day they are my family members and I stuck with them but sheesh. One of my sisters is known for attempting to eat a pistachio – shell and all. This wouldn’t seem like such a big deal, but she is eighteen years old. Does the hard shell around the green nut look edible? If you bite down on it and hear you teeth crack, it might be sign the shell is not meant to be ate. Another sister used to eat play dough like candy. I realize play dough is non toxic but surely it is not meant to be eaten as part of daily diet. And my other sister has so many foods that she refuse to eat. Crackers and water are actually her idea of an ideal meal. However god forbid those crackers have fiber. You can’t eat any fiber because you might go to the bathroom. Never mind that is what the human body was designed to do, she has decided it is unnatural.
And let’s not forget the condiments. The one that has a fiber paranoia also must coat whatever food you can actually get her to eat in ketchup. This might not sound so bad until you start thinking about all the different things you can coat in ketchup. Anything fried can be dunked in ketchup. But pretzel sticks? Cinnamon toast crunch? The possibilities are endless and not appealing. The only thing I can truly understand coating in ketchup is fish sticks. They are so revolting that you have to cover them in something to force them down. Now whenever I am in Ukrops and see a Gordons Frozen Fish Sticks box, I gag reflexively. Some things should just not be eaten.
My family members also have an unusual dependence on cell phone technology. I am pretty sure if you took away their cell phones they would wither up and die like you had cut of their supply of oxygen. They have become adept at integrating texting into every part of their routine. Eat and text. No problem. Drive and text. No problem. At least until they rear end someone or run off the road. But so far they have someone managed to remain accident free while texting and driving. Not that I am recommending that activity. But I digress. My sisters text while conversing with another individual, at work, at school. Even at the pool. The only activity that makes texting tricky is taking a shower. It is difficult to successful y text and wash your hair without either jeopardizing the phone or your hair. But there is nothing more annoying when you are trying to have a conversation without someone and you are actually speaking to them in person, and they are intent on texting another person while speaking to you. This accounts for long breaks in the conversation and confusion between the topics being discussed via text and the topics being discussed in person. I of course have to be the center of attention so when someone attempts to converse with me, while texting with another person, I have to resist the urge to smash the cell phone into little tiny pieces. The problem with that solution is that most phones are made so crappily that I wouldn’t get any real satisfaction is breaking one. After one toss the phone would probably crack. Not nearly as satisfying as getting to hurl a phone into a wall multiple times before it finally comes apart.
Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy using my phone as much as the next person. I would even say that I suffer from a mild addiction to the social integration it provides. Anytime I wake up in the middle of the night, I slide my hand under my pillow and pull out my phone to see which of my friends is drunk posting on facebook. And anytime I am unfortunately stuck waiting in a line, I whip out my phone and peruse facebook and FML. 3.5 hours at a football game. No problem. I have a 98% charged phone battery and a whole plethora of hilarious unfortunate events that happened to other people thanks to FML. But I am not glued to my phone when having an actual conversation with someone in front of me, or when I am doing a dangerous task like washing my hair or cooking dinner.
Speaking on dangerous tasks, if you ride with a certain member of my family – you might as well say your final prayers. Riding wither her is always an adventure. If by adventure you mean holding on to the sides of the car for dear life and praying you don’t throw up on your cute new dress. On this ride all beverages should be left at the gate and you should watch for loose contents. Anything not tied down will be flung around during sudden stops and sharp turns. This experience would be fun if I wasn’t 75% sure that continuing to ride in this death trap would result in my early demise.
I am pretty you can describe my family in a few short sentences. We are horrible drivers, fast talkers, voracious eaters and a tendency to embellish. Out of all those characteristics, the tendency to embellish is probably the one that creates the most problems for us.
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