Christmas still makes me so excited that I have trouble sleeping on Christmas eve. I also tend to wake up at some ridiculous hour on Christmas day so that I can be sure to encourage Clinton to participate in the enjoyment of Christmas with me.
This year was no exception as I was wide awake at 445 am and bouncing on the bed. I used my eager energy to run a brisk eight miles before arriving back to finally waken the sleeping beast. Clinton of course realizes that he is no match for me on Christmas and rolls out of bed without much fight. He shows what he considers an acceptable level of excitement in that he acknowledges the fact that it is Christmas morning and the fact that it is early. He wants a shower and breakfast and then we can get the show on the road.
It nearly kills me though waiting for him to get ready. This man has never heard of a five minute shower. He could easily spend thirty minutes in the shower actively cleaning himself because he is so meticulous. He is very through and uses half a bottle of soap each time. We buy our soap in bulk at Costco and on the bottle it says “use quarter sized amount, should last for 75 uses.” However after three weeks we are out of soap again. So I am going to start monitoring his soap usage and become a soap Nazi. If he can’t make do with one quarter sized allotment of soap at a time then tough. I am tired of being in the middle of a shower and realizing we don’t have any soap, even though we just bought some two weeks ago. Clint likes to be clean. In fact if he could dip himself in a vat of sanitizing liquid he would. And I would have no objection to installing a giant sanitary vat in our bathroom if it meant I got more hot water and longer showers myself.
After Clinton finally exits the shower he decides he has to shave in order to be presentable. Here comes painstakingly slow routine number two of the morning. Clinton insists that if he shaves to fast he will cut himself and die. I insist he is being dramatic and shave slowly because he has a meticulous pattern he follows and wants to make sure that he does not miss any stubble.
Finally his bathroom routine is done and it is present time. I would prefer to tear through my gifts like a ravenous wolf but Clinton thinks It is more civilized to take turns. So we painstaking take turns. And as I work my way through my gifts. I got a lot of lovely presents. And although Clinton refused to buy me “Humphrey” my basset hound. My sister did buy me a basset hound charm. And that charm is proudly displayed on my charm bracelet. I show it off to anyone that happens to be near me. Most people give me a puzzled look as to why in the world I would be so excited over a charm shaped like a basset hound. But it’s ok. They just don’t realize the beauty that is a basset. But my favorite present of all was a set of tongs to use in the kitchen. I will not be just reserving these tongs for the kitchen though. They will become my personal number one Clinton annoyer. I will be amused for hours on end thinking of ways to annoy Clinton with these.
I also got this marvelous collection of postcards for Christmas that are known as bluntcards. Now if you have never had a chance to check these suckers out. You need to go Google them right now. I have spent copious amounts of time clicking through all the different bluntcards that are out there on the internet. And let me tell you, each one is funnier than the last.
There is one particular bluntcard that I received that I will be photocopying so I can use it over and over. It says: “I am sorry you are feeling like such a pussy.” I will be reserving that card for every hypochondriac I know. And for every person that whines to me. I hate whiners. I am sorry you stubbed your toe and it hurts. But I am pretty sure it is not going to fall off. Though if it does be sure to call me because it would be cool to see that. I am sorry you are nauseous and feel the need to discuss everything that you just regurgitated but let me remind you, you are the one who wanted to get pregnant so don’t expect sympathy over here. If you managed to get pregnant without realizing all the wonderful things that are going to happen to your body then you deserve a major kudos because this is the 21st century and the internet is everywhere and it is full of facts. I also would like to know how the people on “I didn’t know I was pregnant” managed to carry a fetus for nine months without every the slightest idea they were knocked up. And for my last sick rant, if you get a head cold, it does not mean you are dying of tuberculosis. I don’t want to listen to your cough. It sounds no different than anyone else’s cough with a cold.
So I would say all in all I got some pretty useful presents this Christmas. And Clinton even got me an electric mixer so my days of mixing everything with a spoon by hand are over. Looks like I am finally moving on up in the world. Good-bye pioneer days with nothing but a wooden spoon and bowl. Hello 21st century with electric mixer and cooking appliances.
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